My Musings

I’ve got a bit of a chip on my shoulder, and I can honestly say it motivates the hell out of me. I’ve not actually admitted it before, but I kinda like being the best. And I think a lot of it stems from my experiences from a young age.

I grew up in Utah. If you’ve been to Utah, it’s not the most diverse. I went to a small school from first grade through high school. There were large chunks of time when I was the only black kid. I think at one time in the school the most we had was 3. So from a young age, after I realized I was different, I felt I had to prove myself. Especially when you get teased for something you can’t control.

I was good at sports but I was also really freaking smart. Those were my 2 things where I could really prove myself. I didn’t view myself as the prettiest (mostly because I didn’t look like anyone else) and had confidence issues so I had to make it up somehow. Feeling like I had to constantly prove myself gave me a chip on my shoulder. And while I have my spiteful moments, I try to use it to be the best version of myself.

Fast forward to college, I was really motivated to redefine myself.

I knew the same couple hundred people my whole life. My goal, still be the smartest but also be super skinny. Thinking back, this was the time I really let others define my worth and not myself. So I figured if I could get really skinny, I’d have more friends and people would like me more. I was motivated by being skinny because that meant you’re pretty, happy, and life is just great. Except that a lot of shame and guilt came along with it, even though I was studying exercise science. I finished my degree magna cum laude, didn’t get skinny but was determined to be the healthiest of all my friends. Goal achieved, but I was miserable.

After college, I went to grad school and started Crossfit. And thank goodness. While I still had my chip on my shoulder, I was surrounded by strong and muscular women. They wanted to perform well and feel good, not be skinny. They actually were more worried about their back squat number than the number on the scale. It was a breath of fresh air. It helped change my focus too. I also felt I could let my guard down a bit and just enjoy like minded people.

Then I had a job after grad school that really messed with my self-worth. So I put my guard back up. During this time, I worked hard at Crossfit, got super fit, and my confidence back. Then I decided to start EffiFit because I wasn’t going to let someone else define my worth and value anymore. So while I’ve got a chip on my shoulder, it’s helped me in so many ways and keeps me motivated to become more confident, be fitter, and stronger and help other women who have let someone else define their worth take it back into their own hands.

What motivates you? Let me know in the comments!